I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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