Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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