It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
