thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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