not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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