I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Your penis caused this!
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