you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
