She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
