at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
