I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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