Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
