ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
