I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
