Where is the hickey?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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