this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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