Whod you bang
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
