he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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