I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Randomize
