Ambien. No doubt about it.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
