tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
