This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
