I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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