If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
