Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
