My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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