god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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