i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
