if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
