And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
