I just saw a hot homeless man
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Randomize
