oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
