My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
