I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
