My cat gives me a boner
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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