Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize