So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
