My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
