Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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