he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
