mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
