I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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