are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize