Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize