This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
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