My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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