Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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