I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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