It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Mom said you looked used
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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