i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
