This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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