My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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