What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
