Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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